Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dear Lyla,
You are cracking me up with how much you have been talking here lately! What is so funny is that you talk just like me.
Your daddy has been working 12 hour days this week..and you are really missing him. You get out your cell phone and you call him *pretend* and talk to him and tell him to come home now...or maybe you are griping him out....either is sweet and funny!
i dont' know what i laughed at in life before i had are such a joy and a fulfillment to me...I thank God that he gave you to me and your daddy....we both love you so much!
Yesterday me and your daddy have been married three years.
He got me flowers...and you told me he did because he loved me. That is precious. It is awesome that you know ...Daddy loves your momma...alot of kids don't know that...and don't have that. I am so proud that you do..and plan on it always being like that!
I love You!


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dear Lyla,

Today you got to hang out with your Nanny and Pawpaw because the "thought" you were sick. Everytime you get sick at school...the next day i take you to your Nanny's house and you act just fine!
I think your faking! I hope you are...I don't like it when your sick.
I completely understand the saying now ..that when your child goes through something it almost hurts you more than it hurts them..because you want to fix everything...and you are literally my heart outside of my body and somtimes I just can't help you...sometimes I just can't fix it.
I hope you know that when you get older....I will always be here for talk to cry vent to...but sometimes you just gotta learn things yourself and get through them yourself.
I had was hard...but I am so glad things turned out the way they did. I am so happy in my life right now!
So after work I went straight up to my mom's to get you. We played. Baked cookies..I helped Uncle Colton with his homework while you and Nanny and PawPaw counted all the cows. Then you and Colton found some grasshoppers to torture..but did NOT want them anywhere near you!!! You and Colton played tents in the living room floor and finally when it was time to go because it was your would not leave!
You took Colton to his room..crawled up in his bed...and said you were staying and sleeping in Colton's bed.
The Queen had spoken!
So Nanny told me to let you stay...
I gave you sugars....hugs....and I love you's.....and made sure you knew that I was going home..and you couldn't have cared less!
I love that you love  your Nanny, PawPaw, and Uncle Colton...and that you feel comfortable and safe enough to stay up there...and it gives me a little extra sleep time...since you like to party...then get up early!
When I got home I called about make sure you were ok...and by the time I had gotten had made Nanny fix you a cup...figured out that Colton doesn't have Mickey Mouse Clubhouse recorded on his TV ...left his room....went to the living room with Nanny...watched your shows..and went to sleep!

Have I ever told you how much I love you!

I love You!
Your momma!

The Story of Natalie

When I had been dating my high school sweetheart for about five years we made the ultimate teenage mistake and got pregnant. I say "teenage"...i was 18...he was 19..... but we had been together for so long..we had planned on getting married...we lived together....we acted and fought like a married it wasn't like it was a one night stand....if you can't tell it still kinda irks me that I made the mistake...He was the man i was going to marry...we had it planned...I knew I was spending the rest of my life with I let my guard down...and only takes one time....

but ..anyway....He did what most teenage men do...."It isn't mine!"

We lived together!!! Hello!! We were together 24/7. It wasn't immaculate conception.

Then it was , "Well she is just trying to trap me"

Ok..if I am trapping you..then I am trapping me too..because I am the one who has grow up and take responsibility for this baby whether you want to or not...not to mention my once beautiful teenage body will never be the same.

Now ...being the adult that I am...I understand where he was coming was scary....all of sudden realizing that you are going to be responsible for someone's life...We were in the stage of dreaming about buying land and building our own house with horses and chicken..our own little farm...picket fence and the REALLY sucked for me...I wish he would have been there for me emotionally more...but i understand now...not that it is justifiable...but i get where he was coming from...

I didn't have a choice...the baby was inside ME...i couldn't run...or hide....time to tell dad

He went with me to tell dad...cause we weren't real sure how dad was going to react...

my dad....being the priceless man that he is...says "Good Job Nik!"


thanks dad

needless to say my dad was not happy but it was done and he was OK..we started to plan the nursery and had everything on the road to getting ready for the arrival of the little one.

We had our kids names already picked out...we picked them out years ago.....Natalie Faye for a girl...and Ethan David for a boy... both the names were family names...Faye is after my middle name...and my grandmother's name on my father's side..... David was his middle name and my dad's name..and his dad's name

One night ..I started to cramp. Not bad at first. My dad came home early from work..because he had to go pick up my uncle for some reason...he asked if i would be ok...I said yes...but i wish I said No....

I felt so guilty though...already being pregnant and not having a house of our own...not being married yet...i didn't want to cause anymore trouble than i had to

By that cramps were so bad that I had to call my aunt to take me to the hospital to see what was going on....

When I got to the hospital...the Dr checked me..and said everything was fine...probably just Braxton Hicks contractions.

I went downstairs to leave and my water broke. I was seven months pregnant.

My body would not dialate...I had to have the baby naturally ...I was in labor for what seemed like forever....but however long it was to long..and the baby didn't make it.

I don't remember alot of the details about what happen that day...or a few days after...and some things that happened in my past...i don't remember...

maybe it was all so traumatic to me that my brain just blocked it all out...some one told me that i might have had to much anthestic and it could have messed with my memory...

but one thing that i can still see vividly to this years her face....her hands....fingers..toes...her hair...her nose and lips...her complexion....she looked like him but had a little bit of me in her.

To this day I don't know why they didn't do an emergency C section ..only God knows...and I am not supposed to question that...I won't lie..because at the time i did...I have always wanted to be a momma...i know i wasn't particularly ready at the moment...but i was getting there...i had grown up and getting ready....I wondered why God would do that me....I had always gone to church...I pray...Why me? Why not some druggy that don't even deserve kids...

But i think that is why i teach preschool now...because i know now how precious children fragile they much God loves them....and what a huge impact adults are to them

For whatever reason...I know that I am in God's hands....and so is Natalie Faye...

I pray for her...and my ex...and all my family that had to go through that with me...and I thank God that somehow all that heartache and pain...led me to Gregg...

and eventhough sometimes we clash....he loves me..and respects that part of my life...and I love him even more for that...

and none the less...meeting Gregg gave me Lyla...and having gone through the pregnancy with Natalie...I wasn't as scared and stressed when i was pregnant with Lyla...and thank God she is happy and healthy and doesn't have one thing wrong with her ..besides her momma's sarcastic attitude

So for whatever reason I have one baby in Heaven and one with me here on Earth.....

I think about Natalie everyday...I miss her like crazy...and yes...even seven years later...i still still hurts..but you learn to control the tears and the pain...and try to find the good ...

I take Lyla with me to visit her and talk to her...I know that Lyla has a special angel in heaven watching her...and that makes me smile..

And I thank God that I have a God in heaven that knows all my mistakes, forgives me, lets me start all over again and again........and loves me anyway!

I love you Natalie!

Love, Mom

I baby my baby

That's right...I spoil her..I baby her..she is my princess...

This past week my husband has been on first we have the evening together with Lyla..he has been a huge help...I wish it would have lasted forever..but today started back to reality...

While my husband was home..he put Lyla to bed a few nights...I got to where I missed rocking my baby to sleep..

I still rock her to sleep...she will be two next month...and I sing to her...then I quietly lay her down in bed when she is off in dreamland...

When did you all stop rocking your babies? When do you just put them to bed and have them fall asleep on thier own?

I have to say I will completely miss the rocking and singing and cuddling when she starts to put herself to sleep...

So matter what anyone else thinks...I baby my baby!

My Personal Coffee Maker

I always wake up a little earlier than everyone else in the morning. I get my shower in silence..start to fix my hair and make up...and usually by then Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on the TV...and husband is asking me to turn off lights so he can sleep (he works second shift) ...

But this morning went a little different....

I woke up ..earlier than everyone else...I got my shower..fixed my hair...and was doing my make up when my little angel awoke from her dreamland...

got straight out of OUR bed that she had climbed into the night before...

and went straight to her room...

so being the inquiring mother that i am....i followed her....

she went to her kitchen...and started "cooking" something...

So I say Good Morning to her and she turns around quickly and says,

"Momma, you want some coffee?"


How can you pass that up?

So of course I said yes..and we woke up dad to see if he wanted some too...he did.

We all three sat in the middle of our bedroom floor and had our morning coffee that Lyla made.

Precious, Precious times......

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Dear Lyla,

Somehow today..your Daddy peed in your pants while he was at work. I love your innocence!

Your Momma

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dear Lyla,

Every Wednesday before church I go to Sister Shana's house and do a Bible Study. I have learned many things..and I am super excited that I am digging deep into God's word. I want you to grow up knowing why you believe what you do..and having faith in God to get through anything. I wasn't raised in I grew up confused and lonely..I always knew God was there...but I didn't realize just how much I can depend on him. I don't want you to have any confusion...I want you to stand on a rock and Praise God! You make me want to be the best mom I can be...and I hope I am doing a good job!
Tonight was Bible Study night..and most of the time you usually go over to your Aunt Candace's house and play with Landon before church...tonight though Aunt Candace started having contractions with Baby Jayden in her belly and had to go to the ER. So you went with me to Sister Shana's. The whole reason for this letter is for me to tell you how proud I am of you. You are so nice and polite. You sat there with me like a big girl and actually listened to the Bible Study. I hope you learned something. I hope that God works wonders in your life. He has already touched your heart..literally...but that is for another I know he can do amazing things!I am so proud of the little lady that you are growing up to be..and your only 2!
I love You!

Your Momma

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Bind together.

Dear Lyla,

I pray that when you get older that you know the value of "family". I have tried to instill that in you. Your family is all you have in this world. When things fall apart..we will be there. If you  need to cry,sob, weap..we will be there. If you wanna jump for joy, smile, sing, praise God...we will be there! No matter what happens..what you do...where you go...Your daddy and I will always be here..good or bad..happy or sad...we are here! I want you to know that! I want you to know also that we will love you...forever..unconditionally. That means no matter you do or think...we will love you. So many people now a days are distancing themselves from thier family. That is just what the devil wants. If a family ever binds together in Jesus name ...that shakes the devils boots. I am so glad and praise God that we are bound together in Jesus name! Your dad's side of the family for some reason...doesn't feel the need to bind with us. I don't know why. We have never done anything to them. We try to talk to them...try to take them out to just doesn't work. The only time they see you is when we take you to church. Now your old enough to go into Sunday School Class..then you hang in the nursery during big church and play with your now they really don't even see you at church. There is never just a drop by visit...or pick you up from preschool...nothing. Why? I don't know. But no matter what happens with anyone or and your dad...will always be here for you! You absolutely love your Nanny Carol and Papa James..along with your Papa David and Uncle Colton...they visit...they pick you up from preschool just to hang out...they are very active in your life...and I pray that you will always feel comfortable enough to come talk to one of us who truly love you and are invested in your life being the best possible life that it can be!

Your momma

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Marriage

September 29, 2007

Me and your Daddy on our wedding day

Dear Lyla,

My idea of the perfect wedding was something that when someone walks in they can tell whose wedding it is. It would be a reflection of you! Mine was. It was totally me. That is what everyone said about it. It was great! Marrying your Daddy was the best day ever. He looked so handsome. He was nervous and cute. It was traditional and timeless. After the wedding would be a wonderful reception with family and friends. We would eat, talk, dance. When your daddy and I left..everyone threw birdseed...the truck was all decorated. We came home to rest a minute in OUR apartment then went on our honeymoon. We didn't want to go far away...we didn't want to stay gone for three weeks. We just wanted to be together with no time limits or responsibilities and just enjoy each other being husband and wife. I think we called each other Mr and Mrs Brewer all night long! We went to the nicest hotel in the city and stayed for three days. In my imagination the ending to the perfect wedding was starting a family on your honeymoon. I mean, to me..that is why you get be able to start your own family. Your dad and I both wish for you. A little girl. We didnt know when God would give you to us or how. But we knew that we were ready ...whenever the time came love you unconditionally and give you the best life possible.
Dear Lyla,
I pray that you continue to sing and be as happy as you are at this very moment. You are singing me Wheels on the Bus and your ABC's. Everytime you sing it brings a smile to my matter what I am dealing with at the moment...everything stops to listen to you! It is a joy!
Keep Singing!

Your Momma

Blog Archive