Dear Lyla

I can not even begin to tell you how much you love your Nanny and PaPa.
Your daddy and I have been off work the past couple weeks for the Holidays so we have been spending some quality time up at Nanny and PaPa's house playing cards.

Mommy, Daddy, Nanny, and PaPa play cards and you either watch your shows on TV that you like or you help one of us play.
Right now you are really into Dora...eventhough Mickey Mouse used to be your world!!!

You always ask PaPa to get out your kitchen...because you have two of everything..one at your house and one at Nanny's house.

can you say spoiled?

Then for Christmas Nanny and PaPa got you an easel..so you have to have that out too ..before we even start playing cards.

Then on comes Dora. Oh..gotta get your pillows off the couch and on the floor so you can be comfortable while you watch TV. We can't forget about our baby dolls...which is an old Tickle Me Elmo, a Snoring Ernie, a blue puppy dog, and a bear I had as a kid. They each have thier own pillow to watch TV on.

While we play cards you usually cook us all purple cupcakes and whoever is the lucky one gets the big cupcake with the candle. And we all get spoons to eat our cupcakes with.

You are such a great girl! You are never any trouble...never throw fits or have tatrums. Although I hear it is supposed to start happening soon since you are two ...but I feel so lucky to have you that you could throw as many fits as you wanted and I will still love you with all I am.

We stayed up at Nanny and PaPa's house last night for New Years. We played games and you did your usual. You played so hard that you fell right asleep in the floor with your babies watching TV. So sweet!

We brought you home..put you to bed..and you never moved...you slept until 9:00am!

But we need to start getting you back on schedule because we have to start going back to school soon.

I am having my gall bladder taken out Tuesday. I would never show it..but I am pretty nervous about being put to sleep. There is so many complications that could happen. But somewhere in my heart I know that God would not let me miss out on your life.
Daddy is going to take you to preschool and Nanny is going to pick you up. Nanny will stay here with me and you while I don't feel good to help me take care of you until you go to sleep or until Daddy gets home.

Thank God for Nanny's, PaPa's, and good Daddy's!
I don't know what I would do with out them..and with out YOU!!

I love you SO SO SO much!!

Love,
Mom

Dear Lyla,
You are cracking me up with how much you have been talking here lately! What is so funny is that you talk just like me.
Your daddy has been working 12 hour days this week..and you are really missing him. You get out your cell phone and you call him *pretend* and talk to him and tell him to come home now...or maybe you are griping him out....either one...it is sweet and funny!
i dont' know what i laughed at in life before i had  you...you are such a joy and a fulfillment to me...I thank God that he gave you to me and your daddy....we both love you so much!
Yesterday me and your daddy have been married three years.
He got me flowers...and you told me he did because he loved me. That is precious. It is awesome that you know ...Daddy loves your momma...alot of kids don't know that...and don't have that. I am so proud that you do..and plan on it always being like that!
I love You!

love,
Momma

Dear Lyla,

Today you got to hang out with your Nanny and Pawpaw because the "thought" you were sick. Everytime you get sick at school...the next day i take you to your Nanny's house and you act just fine!
I think your faking! I hope you are...I don't like it when your sick.
I completely understand the saying now ..that when your child goes through something it almost hurts you more than it hurts them..because you want to fix everything...and you are literally my heart outside of my body and somtimes I just can't help you...sometimes I just can't fix it.
I hope you know that when you get older....I will always be here for you..to talk to ...to cry to...to vent to...but sometimes you just gotta learn things yourself and get through them yourself.
I had to..it was hard...but I am so glad things turned out the way they did. I am so happy in my life right now!
So after work I went straight up to my mom's to get you. We played. Baked cookies..I helped Uncle Colton with his homework while you and Nanny and PawPaw counted all the cows. Then you and Colton found some grasshoppers to torture..but did NOT want them anywhere near you!!! You and Colton played tents in the living room floor and finally when it was time to go because it was your bedtime...you would not leave!
You took Colton to his room..crawled up in his bed...and said you were staying and sleeping in Colton's bed.
The Queen had spoken!
So Nanny told me to let you stay...
I gave you sugars....hugs....and I love you's.....and made sure you knew that I was going home..and you couldn't have cared less!
I love that you love  your Nanny, PawPaw, and Uncle Colton...and that you feel comfortable and safe enough to stay up there...and it gives me a little extra sleep time...since you like to party...then get up early!
When I got home I called about you...to make sure you were ok...and by the time I had gotten home..you had made Nanny fix you a cup...figured out that Colton doesn't have Mickey Mouse Clubhouse recorded on his TV ...left his room....went to the living room with Nanny...watched your shows..and went to sleep!

Have I ever told you how much I love you!

I love You!
Your momma!

The Story of Natalie

When I had been dating my high school sweetheart for about five years we made the ultimate teenage mistake and got pregnant. I say "teenage"...i was 18...he was 19..... but we had been together for so long..we had planned on getting married...we lived together....we acted and fought like a married couple..so it wasn't like it was a one night stand....if you can't tell it still kinda irks me that I made the mistake...He was the man i was going to marry...we had it planned...I knew I was spending the rest of my life with him...so I let my guard down...and well...kids...it only takes one time....

but ..anyway....He did what most teenage men do...."It isn't mine!"

We lived together!!! Hello!! We were together 24/7. It wasn't immaculate conception.

Then it was , "Well she is just trying to trap me"

Ok..if I am trapping you..then I am trapping me too..because I am the one who has grow up and take responsibility for this baby whether you want to or not...not to mention my once beautiful teenage body will never be the same.

Now ...being the adult that I am...I understand where he was coming from...it was scary....all of sudden realizing that you are going to be responsible for someone's life...We were in the stage of dreaming about buying land and building our own house with horses and chicken..our own little farm...picket fence and all...at the time...it REALLY sucked for me...I wish he would have been there for me emotionally more...but i understand now...not that it is justifiable...but i get where he was coming from...

I didn't have a choice...the baby was inside ME...i couldn't run...or hide....time to tell dad

He went with me to tell dad...cause we weren't real sure how dad was going to react...

my dad....being the priceless man that he is...says "Good Job Nik!"

ok

thanks dad

needless to say my dad was not happy but it was done and he was OK..we started to plan the nursery and had everything on the road to getting ready for the arrival of the little one.

We had our kids names already picked out...we picked them out years ago.....Natalie Faye for a girl...and Ethan David for a boy... both the names were family names...Faye is after my middle name...and my grandmother's name on my father's side..... David was his middle name and my dad's name..and his dad's name

One night ..I started to cramp. Not bad at first. My dad came home early from work..because he had to go pick up my uncle for some reason...he asked if i would be ok...I said yes...but i wish I said No....

I felt so guilty though...already being pregnant and not having a house of our own...not being married yet...i didn't want to cause anymore trouble than i had to

By that morning..my cramps were so bad that I had to call my aunt to take me to the hospital to see what was going on....

When I got to the hospital...the Dr checked me..and said everything was fine...probably just Braxton Hicks contractions.

I went downstairs to leave and my water broke. I was seven months pregnant.

My body would not dialate...I had to have the baby naturally ...I was in labor for what seemed like forever....but however long it was....it was to long..and the baby didn't make it.

I don't remember alot of the details about what happen that day...or a few days after...and some things that happened in my past...i don't remember...

maybe it was all so traumatic to me that my brain just blocked it all out...some one told me that i might have had to much anthestic and it could have messed with my memory...

but one thing that i can still see vividly to this day...seven years later...is her face....her hands....fingers..toes...her hair...her nose and lips...her complexion....she looked like him but had a little bit of me in her.

To this day I don't know why they didn't do an emergency C section ..only God knows...and I am not supposed to question that...I won't lie..because at the time i did...I have always wanted to be a momma...i know i wasn't particularly ready at the moment...but i was getting there...i had grown up and getting ready....I wondered why God would do that me....I had always gone to church...I pray...Why me? Why not some druggy that don't even deserve kids...

But i think that is why i teach preschool now...because i know now how precious children are...how fragile they are...how much God loves them....and what a huge impact adults are to them

For whatever reason...I know that I am in God's hands....and so is Natalie Faye...

I pray for her...and my ex...and all my family that had to go through that with me...and I thank God that somehow all that heartache and pain...led me to Gregg...

and eventhough sometimes we clash....he loves me..and respects that part of my life...and I love him even more for that...

and none the less...meeting Gregg gave me Lyla...and having gone through the pregnancy with Natalie...I wasn't as scared and stressed when i was pregnant with Lyla...and thank God she is happy and healthy and doesn't have one thing wrong with her ..besides her momma's sarcastic attitude

So for whatever reason I have one baby in Heaven and one with me here on Earth.....

I think about Natalie everyday...I miss her like crazy...and yes...even seven years later...i still cry..it still hurts..but you learn to control the tears and the pain...and try to find the good ...

I take Lyla with me to visit her and talk to her...I know that Lyla has a special angel in heaven watching her...and that makes me smile..

And I thank God that I have a God in heaven that knows all my mistakes, forgives me, lets me start all over again and again........and loves me anyway!

I love you Natalie!

Love, Mom

I baby my baby

That's right...I spoil her..I baby her..she is my princess...

This past week my husband has been on first shift...so we have the evening together with Lyla..he has been a huge help...I wish it would have lasted forever..but today started back to reality...

While my husband was home..he put Lyla to bed a few nights...I got to where I missed rocking my baby to sleep..

I still rock her to sleep...she will be two next month...and I sing to her...then I quietly lay her down in bed when she is off in dreamland...

When did you all stop rocking your babies? When do you just put them to bed and have them fall asleep on thier own?

I have to say I will completely miss the rocking and singing and cuddling when she starts to put herself to sleep...

So ...no matter what anyone else thinks...I baby my baby!

My Personal Coffee Maker

I always wake up a little earlier than everyone else in the morning. I get my shower in silence..start to fix my hair and make up...and usually by then Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on the TV...and husband is asking me to turn off lights so he can sleep (he works second shift) ...



But this morning went a little different....



I woke up ..earlier than everyone else...I got my shower..fixed my hair...and was doing my make up when my little angel awoke from her dreamland...

got straight out of OUR bed that she had climbed into the night before...

and went straight to her room...



so being the inquiring mother that i am....i followed her....



she went to her kitchen...and started "cooking" something...



So I say Good Morning to her and she turns around quickly and says,



"Momma, you want some coffee?"



:)



How can you pass that up?



So of course I said yes..and we woke up dad to see if he wanted some too...he did.



We all three sat in the middle of our bedroom floor and had our morning coffee that Lyla made.



Precious, Precious times......

Dear Lyla,

Somehow today..your Daddy peed in your pants while he was at work. I love your innocence!

Love,
Your Momma